letter to the editor
Tips for the Tales of Two Towns
Thu, 06/20/2024 - 9:00pm
Dear Camden and Rockport,
Conversation breakdowns are the stuff of history. Misunderstandings abound in every hamlet, village, town and city. In every nation as well. In families, too.
I can’t help but ask this question: Would anyone involved in the talks be able to explain to the other town’s satisfaction and agreement as to what is being actually said? Can it be expressed to the other’s complete satisfaction?
Simply ask: What is it you most want understood by the other? Note how everyone will truly listen.
Remember that You is a dangerous, highly charged word. It quickly puts the other on the defensive, ever ready to rebut and refute. Long-winded explanations often fail tp convince. When was the last time anyone of us had their minds put at rest by what felt to us as the other person’s tall tale?
We carefully plan our talks and still, the talk breaks down. The other guy’s fault, right? Could the fault ever lie with us? For example, a resolve to be assertive, aggressive, direct and blunt. Blunt and Harsh are kissing cousins.
Above all, ask if the other feels understood. Only she or he knows and will say so. Get beyond that hurdle, and you may well be on your way to something constructive.
Lastly, allow me to show an unpopular bias; however, I genuinely hold lawyers in high regard. Lawyers are trained to win arguments, trained to destroy witnesses, trained to refute and obfuscate. Day one at law school, as one lawyer remembered: “If you have a strong case, argue the facts. If you have a weak case, argue the law and pound on the table.”
There is lot of work to be done. Good luck and be patient. Look for common interests and solutions that can meet those common interests.
Paul Charbonneau lives in Rockport. He is the former Director of the Maine Court Mediation Service and a retired mediator.
