Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy.

Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

I've joined dating sites. I'm contacted and asked out and feel like I'm hoodwinked when we meet and they have obviously lied about their age and obviously posted photos from another eon. Don't people realize that starting anything based on a lie is doomed?

                  Signed, I look like my picture 

Dear look like,

I don’t know if I’m the one to cast aspersions.  After all, the picture I use for this column was taken years before I died.

Okay, seriously, what you are talking about is just a case of bait and switch. Sorry but I  am all out of younger me’s but you can have the older one for half off.

Maybe before you agree to meet someone from a dating site you should write and ask, when was your picture taken? Or before agreeing to meet ask for a snapshot of the person holding a recent newspaper… like kidnappers do to prove their victim is still alive. If the love interest you’re corresponding with doesn’t see the humor in that then probably you want to ditch them anyway.  —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

My fiancée and I recently bought a house together. We have been living in it happily for several months. The issue is my mother. She is in yet another in a string of abusive relationships. Now she wants to move in with Ralfie and me to get away from this new guy she is involved with. Truthfully nothing in her life has changed with her since my childhood, which I have to say was no picnic. Now Mom is laying on the guilt. Do I let her move in?

                         Signed wants to be a good daughter

Dear Good Daughter,

Assuming you haven’t grown up with the same taste in men that your mother has, and that you have picked a decent partner, I would say it is time to focus on your own new family and happiness. If you feel guilty about your mom, offer to drive her to a halfway house. You are a grown-up now and have no need to sip from your mother’s poisonous well.  —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

Several months ago I bought what I thought would be the house of my dreams. The problem is with the guys living next door. They are very good at making life hell when I thought I would be living in paradise. Loud parties, trucks without mufflers, trash thrown into my yard. Talking nicely to the neighbors does no good and the police say the guys aren’t breaking any laws! I don’t what to start a war so what do I do?

         Signed, Sitting on the fence

Dear Sitting,

Don’t want to start a war? You are already in a war and so far you’re losing. I have one word for you. Manure. What? You heard me. Manure. You can buy damp fresh cowsh-t by the ton for a couple of 100 bucks delivered. Order a truck full and have it spread along your property line for your garden. When the cops tell your neighbors he isn’t breaking any laws, then trust me when I say, the troublemakers will come to you hat in hand. —O.G. 

P.S. don’t worry about the odor. For some reason, like changing a diaper, when it’s your fertilizer it doesn’t small half so bad.