Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy.

Submit your questions to Dear Old Guy here.

Dear Old Guy,

How old do you think old is?

                          Signed, Am I?

Dear Am I,

           That is one tough question. I suppose it’s all relative. In America you brag if your house is a 100 years or more. Old house right? Say that in Europe and they’ll chuckle because houses many, many hundreds of years are common place. I recall when I was in my 30s asking a 62-year-old friend (who was divorced) what it was like dating grandmothers. His answer was swift, Not so bad if you’re a great grandfather. All relative. Have I avoided your question? —O.G.                                           

Dear Old Guy,

My husband and I had our first baby three months ago. Everything is going well except I’m more than a little paranoid because of my sister, Gertrude. She’s involved with a guy who has AIDS and the two are having unprotected, you know. She loves our little Nancy but every time sis comes over and hugs and kisses our child it freaks me out because well, you know. I know baby Nancy can’t get anything just from hugs and kisses but…

         Signed, You Know

Dear, You Know,

           I do know your sister has some major issues. Gertrude is engaged in a behavior that’s reckless. If she is discussing this very personal matter with you, imagine what’s she’s doing that she won’t tell you about! As for baby Nancy, congratulations.

Bring your concerns to Gertrude in a way that will cover all the bases in one fell swoop. Tell, her, Sis, Don’t hug and kiss Nancy any more. It’s because you are having unprotected sex with an AIDS victim and I don’t want my baby to be attached to you when you die a horrible death. If nothing else a comment like that will open up a lively dialog… and that’s what you clearly need to have. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

           I am a 65-year-old woman who lives alone.  For several weeks I have been getting whiffs of what smells like cigarette smoke. It happens at the oddest times. No one is around me with cigarettes but the smell is there. When I ask other people I’m with they say they don’t smell a thing. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

           Signed, Unlucky Strike

Dear Unlucky,

 Ah, yes. Phantom smells. This is not all that uncommon. For some people it comes and goes at various times. Sometimes it can be the marker of a more serious condition. I’m not a doctor so I won’t say much more… except that, I have been a patient for just about every ailment under the sun, which makes me something of a medical expert. I went through six whole months when, off and on, I could swear there was rotten egg in my nostrils. No joke. My doctor gave me some placebos but the side effects were to much for me. I ended up having to take a second one along with it to counter the effects of the first. If you continue to smell what isn’t there tell your doctor, okay? —O.G.