Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone they loved. Rather than being times of family togetherness, sharing and thanksgiving; holidays can bring feelings of sadness, loss and emptiness. Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief — a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living. Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.

No simple guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling. We hope, however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year. Remember that by being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you will continue to heal.

You should talk about your grief. During the holiday season, don't be afraid to express your feelings of grief. Ignoring your grief won't make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes you feel better. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen, without judging you. They will help make you feel understood.

Be tolerant of your physical and psychological limits. Feelings of loss will probably leave you fatigued. Your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you, and lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.

Eliminate unnecessary stress. You may already feel stressed, so don't overextend yourself. Avoid isolating yourself, but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself. Realize also that merely "keeping busy" won't distract you from your grief, but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.

Be with supportive, comforting people. Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings. Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings — both happy and sad.

When you find the courage to grieve and honestly deal with the various tasks necessary to manage grief, then your pain will lose its sharp edges and transform into pleasant, precious moments of remembrance. Focus on the good times, fulfilling experiences, warmth and tenderness that will always live in your memory. Cherish the memories and talk about them. It helps. If anger or hurt lingers, let it go as it serves no purpose and only hinders the healing process. Cherish your family and friends and tell them how much they mean to you.

Mike Hall owns Hall Funeral Home and Cremation Service with locations in Thomaston, Boothbay and Waldoboro. He is a past president of the Maine Funeral Directors Association and served as a National Policy Board member, representing the state of Maine, for the National Funeral Directors Association. Mike enjoys spending time with his family, playing golf, skiing and traveling. He is married, has one daughter and lives in Damariscotta.