Mommy Mafia Diaries

Sun, 10/20/2013 - 15:45

Anneli Skaar

I have the good fortune to live on the lovely, bucolic Pearl Street in Camden. However, come Oct. 31, the street literally turns into the site of the zombie apocalypse as hundreds, if not thousands, of trick-or-treaters come to this blocked-off neighborhood to enjoy the amazing decorated houses and to devour candy as their raisinet d'être, faster than you can say George A. Romero.

I am as guilty as anyone regarding my sojourn into depravity on Sugargeddon. But there are many kinds of Halloween parent. Similar to the Myers-Briggs test, I have developed a personality scale in which you can be categorized into one or more of the following types. Which type are you?

Find out here:

A. The Cinderella

Usually keeping the tightest of purse strings on the daily intake of sugar, Halloween becomes the day where you allow your children to eat as much candy as they can possibly fit into their bodies, the only caveat being that the fun ends at midnight. It's a race against time before all of the candy goes into the trash, and by trash I mean hidden in the back of the linen closet.

(Candy of choice: Milky Way/Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Guilt)

B. The Nietzschian Pancreationist

Your kids eat so much sugar on a daily basis you've given up on any pretense of protecting their tiny, screaming pancreas from getting blown out like a soggy balloon by the age of 20. If they by some sort of divine providence actually eat a candy apple rather than just lick off the caramel like a feral Chihuahua, you will consider it their daily allowance of fruit and vegetables. The Nietzschian's motto: "That which we eat — that does not kill us — makes us stronger." Also, you make a terrific lemon drop martini.

(Candy of choice: Sweetarts, Starburst, Ketel One)

C. You Agave Be Kidding Me

Your child has never trick-or-treated in public, and at the age of 8 the poor bastard still thinks a Three Musketeers Bar is a novel by Alexandre Dumas. Costumes range from Al Gore to Ovid. You will all celebrate the evening with kale s'mores next to a fire built from Romney-Ryan lawn signs you stole from the neighbor last November.

(Candy of choice: Stevia)

Pearl Street Candy Drive accepting donations: If you enjoy coming to Pearl Street for Halloween, please consider donating to the Pearl Street Candy Drive to help Pearl Street residents during the massive onslaught of 1,000's of visitors from near and far. Drop off spots include Clean Bee Laundry in Camden and Fresh Off the Farm in Rockport.

D. The Trick-or-Trouter

It's a dark evening, and you offer to hold the trick-or-treat bag. Using the hyper-sensitivity of Helen Keller, you separate out the most offensive treats and replace most of them with something a bit healthier from your pockets. Upon returning home your baffled child will dump their bag out onto the floor to find three pieces of dark chocolate, a handful of sunflower seeds and 53 foil packets of Omega 3 fish oil capsules. Result? Your child gets some really high quality fats, and you are provisioned with plenty of fun-size Butterfingers for late night Netflix viewing for weeks to come. Also known in some circles and as The Salmon Sugarrushdie.

(Candy of choice: Lindt 70% Dark Chocolate)

E. Breaking Bag

Feed the addiction on Halloween and then sit back and watch it pay off big time for days and weeks to come. Control the bag and you control the child. Cleaning their room, wearing matching socks and taking out hits on unruly neighbors — all this is possible with a carefully controlled floodgate of treats. If timed correctly, the supply will end and the sugar crash will hit sometime in mid-November, but the good news is that by then you are only two weeks away from chocolate Advent calendars.

(Candy of choice: Pixie Stix, Pop Rocks)

F. Hershey’s Kiss My *ss

You pile up the station wagon and go to Canada for the weekend.

(Candy of choice: John)

Anneli Skaar is a graphic designer living and working Camden who spends a significant amount of her time trying to establish a functional balance between single motherhood, career and sanity.