Part II, Chapters 51, 52, 53, 54 and 55

A serial of the book...

Wed, 05/01/2013 - 15:30

Tom Dowd is the author of two award-winning business books, "The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World" and "From Fear to Success: A Practical Guide to Public-Speaking."

Tom Dowd

During his inconsistent first 20 years in a business environment, Tom Dowd learned lessons, both positive and negative, which transformed into shared professional success. The experiences guide readers to differentiate themselves and enable them to work smarter—not harder—to thrive in corporate chaos that, due to the current economic conditions, has taught the employed and unemployed alike to simply try to survive.

Following is the next chapter in Dowd's book, The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a cynic to a professional in the corporate world. Earlier chapters are linked at the end.

51. Become a Good Listener

Everywhere we look, people have headsets in their ears listening to music while the world goes on around them. I've seen people blindly walk into street poles as they are texting. We multitask more than we want and our attention span gets spread to the limit. We have side conversations with people in the room while a conference call is going on, check messages, or make a call in the middle of a conversation with someone. One of the more difficult things I've tried to learn is effective listening. I have to make a concerted effort to try to give my undivided attention to one person at a time. I have to emphasize that the operative word is try. This lesson is a constant work in progress. There are too many opportunities to pull my attention and focus somewhere else.

Effective listening is at risk of being a lost skill. I have found, however, that most successful decision makers and leaders have this rare ability to listen effectively. The ability to focus on one person at a time and truly hear what they have to say allows the whole story to be heard, and builds the relationship for more productive conversations in the future. Listening also builds trust and respect. Think of the person who is always interrupting you and speaking over you. I often found (all right, present tense: "find"—this is still a work in progress) myself doing this. I never had any intention to be rude, but had ideas swimming in my head that needed to be blurted out before they were forgotten or became irrelevant. Maybe I was attempting to be the smartest person in the room, trying to gain attention from my managers, or just wanted to be heard. When this happened, I was causing frustration and disruption to any real conversation, since the discussions were more one sided then they needed to be.

Tom has more than 20 years of experience in the financial industry in management and leadership roles, and runs his own business, Thomas Dowd Professional Development & Coaching, as a speaker, author, trainer and coach. Tom developed a series of management presentations into a speaking program called "Powerful Professional Transformation: Unleashing Leadership." The speaking engagements turned into "The Transformation of a Doubting Thomas: Growing from a Cynic to a Professional in the Corporate World," a book detailing Tom's own professional growth based on lessons learned in his career. "Transformation" received honorable mention in the business category at the 2012 New England Book Festival. Tom has since written his second book "From Fear to Success: A Practical Public-speaking Guide."

Tom is currently the vice president of education for Dirigo Toastmasters Club in Belfast. Toastmasters International is a supportive learning environment of more than 270,000 members worldwide looking to improve communication and leadership skills. As a founding member of the club, Tom has been involved in Toastmasters since September 2008. Tom holds advanced communication and advanced leadership certifications with Toastmasters International, including High Performance Leadership certification. In November 2011, Tom was selected as the District 45 Toastmaster of Year, which represents more than 100 clubs in the states of Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire and the three Eastern Canadian Provinces of Prince Edward Island, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. Tom has also exhibited consistent success when competing at the division (state level equivalent) and district levels in Toastmasters speech contests, which include humorous, inspirational, impromptu and evaluation events. He was the Table Topics Impromptu 2012 District Champion. Additionally, he is a member of the National Speakers Association and a member of the Camden Lions Club.

Tom graduated from the University of Delaware in 1990 with a Communication degree, concentrating on interpersonal and organizational communication.

Tom currently lives in Camden with his wife and three daughters.

I had to force myself to listen and not speak. I thought I solved it by taking notes while someone else was speaking. However, I found that the notes started to dominate my own thoughts. I was still selfish in my approach to the conversation. I was silently interrupting someone's thoughts because, in reality, I wasn't truly hearing what they were saying. Many instances of speaking over people are caused by our need to share our next thought with the person we are talking to, regardless of what they are saying. That is really not a productive conversation.

I knew I was making progress when I entered the 2009 Fall Toastmasters International Speech Evaluation Contest. The goal of the contest is for all contestants to listen to the same "test" speech. The contestants can take notes during the speech and for five minutes immediately following, must organize and formulate their thoughts. The contestants then give a two to three minute overview "speech" of the key points they want emphasized for the "test" speaker and audience. I ended up finishing in second place in District 45, which includes over 100 clubs. I was using a critical ear, and more importantly, it was making a difference in my professional career.

I found significant improvement in my ability to have productive conversations and build more effective relationships when I put down my pen and simply listened to what someone said. I found there was a more open and fluid dialogue, and this generated more ideas and satisfaction on the part of the other person. Others involved in the conversations started to contribute, or at least felt the openness to contributing when they had something important to say. I found greater success personally and more productive teamwork simply by truly listening and not worrying about formulating my next thought.

True listening was a career-altering discovery for me. I still feel the pull, at times, to multitask or gather my next thought. However, the pull gets easier as I continue to practice this skill. The practice has taught me to be a more effective communicator all around because I am now more engaged in the conversation, since I am invited to ask open questions and clarify and confirm points. It is amazing the great things others have to say when I just started paying attention.

52. Be the Bigger Person

I started working for someone who I felt talked behind my back and was making a major effort to push me out of his department. Remember the person who gave me Don't Sweat the Small Stuff? Prior to him joining our department, I had been put into a temporary position managing managers and felt I was on my way to a promising future. My bad feelings were confirmed after his arrival a little over a year later when I was removed from my position and asked to take a step back. My backwards movement was to some degree a self-fulfilling prophecy, because I was not motivated to work for him. However, I also could not seem to break through to find what it would take for him to change his mind.

Although I was not motivated to give him my best, I did try to hide my outward frustration by burying my head in my work. My goal was to work as hard as I could until something changed (e.g., the "Wait three months" mentality). I knew he was under a lot of pressure to perform, but I had the opinion that he spent too much time trying to impress the upper management for his next promotion versus running his own business well. I had some small wins, but I knew we would never find the mutual respect needed to succeed as a team.

We crossed paths a few times over the years and I still boiled over with frustration that he never seemed to respect my work. Years later, I ended up working for him a second time. We had both matured. I saw the relationship dynamic changing because he was not working for the same people he had always been trying to impress. A situation presented itself in which he needed my experience and job knowledge in his new department. He gave me more responsibilities and the space to succeed. He allowed me the chance to lead a task force of over one hundred people in a completely different area, with a lot of reign in directing our road map to success.

Our professional respect seemed to be growing. However, the entire tenure of the second round always seemed to have an eight-hundred pound gorilla in the room. It was the frustration from our first go-around together. We should have had a sit down conversation and put it all out on the table. We didn't do that. We worked better together in this new partnership, but there was still so much more we could have accomplished if we had just hammered out our differences, or at least gotten over the past.

Soon after the merger, he left the company. I was actually the last person to see him in the hall on his last day. He asked if I would help him take a box from his office to his car. I had a quick thought of, "I can't believe he still wants to put me to work." However, I knew that wasn't his true intention and he just needed a little assistance. Believe it or not, he did have an underlying motivation—even with the impromptu run in with me. As we were walking out, he said, "I'm sorry." He went on to talk about all of the pressures he had been under during our first time together and how he had wanted to climb the corporate ladder as quickly as possible, even if it meant stepping on people. He was confessing his own learning to me and confirming that my original opinions weren't too far off.

I realized that if I had taken the first step by stating my opinion years ago, I could have avoided a lot of the uncomfortable feelings we'd had. He took the first steps and told me all the great things he appreciated about me and the respect he had gained from my ability to work through the difficulty he had put me through. I felt guilty for not making the first move, but was proud of my ability to force my way through the hard times. I also gained a lot of respect for him for taking advantage of the current events to make a difference in our relationship.

I know it has a lot of similarities to a death bed conversation we would have wanted to hear earlier in our lives from that person. However, I had the luxury of still living in a small New England town with this individual. Our interactions in town are cordial and personable. He ended up getting a new job in one of our old buildings right up the road. I was driving home and passed his building on a Friday afternoon. We stopped and talked. He needed leadership help in his new business and asked if I would join. I did not take him up on it, but carried the valuable lesson of what can become of being the bigger person.

53. Surround Yourself With Pictures

I once went to a work seminar on organization. One of the suggestions the instructor made was to not have any pictures around you. The premise was that the pictures can cause distractions. Since this class took place during my first few months of being a manager, I took it seriously. I even mentioned the concept to people who had pictures on their desks and suggested they remove them. I didn't win a whole lot of points with these suggestions, but I did practice what I preached. I spent years with a desk devoid of pictures because I didn't want to be distracted. For the most part, I didn't feel distracted, so I reasoned that it must be working. What I failed to realize at the time was that I was not married, did not have any pets, or children, so I was not actively looking to put too many pictures on my desk anyway. I was fully dedicated to the company.

About five years later, I got married. I had the first picture dilemma. Did I put a picture of my wife up on my desk? She was beautiful and special, and I couldn't resist. I was going to take the chance and see if I truly was distracted. We got a black Lab to add to the family. One of my favorite pictures of all time came a couple years later. It was a picture of my first born daughter in a tide pool with our dog looking over her. My family grew over the next few years with two more beautiful daughters entering my life. I never stopped putting pictures up of my family and dogs, pictures of celebrated work events, and friends.

I had motivation. I had people to work hard for and support. I could look at their pictures and see a smile when I was having a bad day. When I needed advice, I could look towards my wife's picture and know exactly what she would think and suggest (I did not, however, get to the point of talking to my pictures). I never felt distracted once. I felt moved and driven to push harder to make sure they all had what they needed from me. The harder and smarter I worked, the more I could provide for them. As the years have gone on, I see my babies growing up into young ladies. These young ladies will grow up to become adults someday and be successful in whatever their hearts desire. I know I can't stop now. The pictures show me how quickly they grow and change and keep me motivated every day.

Although it took years for me to figure it out, pictures add a new dimension to my work space. They bring the comfort of home, and lend familiarity and stability when you might need it most. Surround yourself with pictures of good times with family and friends. I was given a digital frame and immediately loaded it with over one thousand photos. I periodically turn around and chuckle when I see a picture flash up that brings back great memories. The pictures don't distract me. The pictures motivate me because they are of the people who mean the most to me.

54. Get to Know the People You Work With

There are far more people I have managed whose names I can't remember than people whose names I can. Besides having a poor memory with names (I'm working on it), the key driver is the fact that I did a poor job early in my career of getting to know the people I worked with as real people. I knew them as employees. I knew their statistics, the way a baseball manager might know his players. I knew their tendencies. I knew their strengths, and their potential to improve.

As I changed teams or people came and went, I would pick up on the statistics and begin the exercise to get to know the new numbers. I had failed to truly get to know the people I worked with. I once had a senior leader say, "Us being friends is merely a convenience." He meant that our personal relationship was not important. Since I had heard this prior to being a manager, I took it seriously and was self-driven to find my way to get to the next level. Once I became a manager, I steamrolled through the people I worked with to drive them to maximize their statistics the way I had when I was in their shoes just a few months before.

I did not get to know the people who worked for me at a personal level. As their manager, I was missing part of each of my employees' stories. If I had learned the value of knowing the personal side of people early in my manager experience, I would have known what makes a person tick. I could have adapted my feedback to better meet their style, gain more buy-in, and probably gain their respect. We would have had more to talk about and I could have built up our relationship. Instead, we simply talked statistics and I would ask, "How was your weekend?", although I really didn't want a real answer to the question. I was missing a chance to become a more effective leader and, more importantly, I was missing a chance to get to know the people to build a lasting relationship that would assist in everyone's growth—mine included.

I have matured enough to learn to get to know the people I work with better. We have personal conversations. I ask pointed questions about their pets, kids, or spouse. I remember things better because I have been more engaged in the conversation. I like the people better, because I actually know them. I had gone too long being professionally driven. I was given the unfortunate advice, "We do not have to be friends to succeed." I didn't go to work to make best friends. However, we all need relationships in our lives. If you nurture these relationships, everyone wins. If you happen to get a good friend out of the deal, then you will be better off. If you happen to only strengthen a working relationship, then the organization and both individuals are still better off.

Leaders flexible enough to tailor their styles to each individual's drivers and motivators are an asset to any company. I am now in a much better position to motivate the people who work with me because I understand what inspires them to come to work each day. In fact, many times, I simply ask the question, "Why do you come to work every day?" There is nothing like getting straight to the point. Now, I know whether the person is working because of family, pride, money, promotions, or simply a pat on the back.

55. Balance Being a Leader and a Doer — You Can't Do Both at the Same Time

On my mentor and networking monthly rotation, there was a question I asked of two leaders who had some familiarity of my background and reputation. I asked, "What would it take to get to the next level?" since I felt all of my recent moves were lateral. I was surprised to hear similar answers from these two respected leaders. I was told that I had a reputation of being the "clean up guy." I was the one willing to get in the trenches and find the issues that needed to be fixed. I was independent in my thinking and did not need a whole lot of direction. I could execute whatever task needed to be done. I took these comments as a compliment. The comments were really intended to inform me that I was good at what I was doing as a "doer," but the question remained: What was I doing to prove that I was a leader? There is nothing wrong with being a doer; there is always significant need in every business for someone to come in and diagnose and improve. However, there is a distinction between a "doer" and a "leader" and I wanted to explore how to be the latter.

There were a couple of points being made. First, I continued to accept new positions at a lateral level, so the consensus was that I enjoyed project management and that I could execute on the deliverables. Second, I had not adequately built up the reputation that I could lead when given more complex job responsibilities. The job always got done when I was there, but that was because I had a tendency to step in and start doing it myself. I was not leading a team or project; I continued to be in the way as the doer, or in team situations the micro-manager and meddler. It is all right to want control of every detail, but this can cause frustration within a team. In addition, it had the potential of sending a message that I did not trust my people. It always crushed the creative juices of the collective group if I simply pushed my own agenda onto them or moved them out of the way. Both mentors told me to set clear expectations, and then get out of the way of the team. I had the skills and potential to be a leader, but first I had to stop being the doer, especially when I was the supposed leader.

I was involved in a leadership program that diagnosed and identified my certain tendencies as a leader. To no one's surprise, I found that I liked to roll up my sleeves and get dirty. We were asked to lead an initiative and play towards our weaknesses. I had identified a project that needed to be implemented. I assembled an extremely strong team, identified a competent project manager, and watched from the sidelines. I made myself available for periodic updates and attempted to eliminate road blocks. With clenched fists and a constantly bitten lip, I watched everything unfold in front of me. I allowed the process to run its due course. The leader did a phenomenal job. The project was completed on time and had greater business impacts than originally projected. I was able to allow the team to present their findings and recommendations to the senior leaders. All the while, I was there for support, suggestions, and debate. Although I had the most experience and job knowledge, I remained silent for the most part and allowed the team to shine. My name was listed as the project leader, and that's who I wanted and needed to be. I successfully lead the project team members and was finally not a doer.

The first thing that was said to me after the presentation was how smoothly this had run and how much we accomplished as a team. The senior leaders praised me for being such an active leader in driving the process. It had always seemed counterintuitive to let others do the work because it may not turn out exactly as I had envisioned, but it made more sense now that I'd experienced it in action. I could be detailed-oriented, I could be intelligent about my business, and I could be there to lead the business. I did not have to be a micro-manager and watch every detail if I built the right team and set the right expectations. I needed to take accountability for the final project, but if I did my job right, the success for the project would take care of itself with a more satisfied team and a better end result. I learned that I can't be the leader and the doer at the same time.

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