Dear Old Guy,

I am 20 years old. I have the opportunity to work as a silent partner in a fake ID production shop for the local college students. In exchange for a small capital investment and access to some of my contacts, I can own 40 percent of what could be a very lucrative business. I would want to be to be a silent partner with absolutely no paper trail linking me to the business. I think this fake ID business could be a gold mine. What do you think of the problems it could present?

            Signed head for business

Dear Head,

Are you a twit? Can you not figure this out? It’s clear that you know nothing of business. A silent partner doesn’t work. You supply the money and keepa you mouth shut. This, to begin with, is a poor business model. Secondly, you want to a silent partner with someone in a shady business? Kiss your money goodbye.

Furthermore, let’s say you actually start to make some dough off this operation. Who would be buying a fake ID? Underage kids so they can obtain alcohol? And when some teenager dies in a drunken crash don’t think for a minute that youngster’s fake ID won’t be tracked back to you. I would hope you’d spend the rest of your life in jail. Who else needs fake ID? Could it be a terrorist bent on blowing up some innocent civilians? Perhaps it’s something less deadly. Maybe someone needs a fake ID to commit fraud and rob the life savings from hardworking people… or God forbid, they want to vote twice.

 I suppose, if you consider what I’ve mentioned and still want to move forward I will tell you this, when you partner is arrested he will toss you to the cops so fast it will make your head spin.

                —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

I hope you can help. My daughter’s fiancé, Brad, is graduating from law school in May. I need to find an appropriate gift. If I give money, what would be an appropriate amount?

              Signed, Almost father in law

Dear Almost,

You might well be the first person in the history of the legal profession to think of giving money to a lawyer when he didn’t have to. I think in this situation cash is crass. No amount you can give Brad would make much difference since he’s so saddled with school loans. I would suggest something that would be a gift to both your daughter and her fiancé. After all she stood by Brad through law school. I’d suggest a cruise or some kind of vacation, unless of course you don’t want them sleeping together until after the wedding. If that’s the case, sure stick a 20 in an envelope and pass it to the lad on graduation day.    

              —O.G.

 Dear Old Guy,

My fiancé and I are both well-established young adults who honestly have little or no use for additional household items that would typically be set aside for wedding gifts. We are paying for the wedding ourselves because none of our parents are able to afford to help us with the cost. We are wondering what is the easiest and most polite way of asking for a monetary donation to offset the cost of the wedding because we are paying for it ourselves.

         Signed, Too gifted

Dear Two,

If your betrothed and you agree to what you want to do then you are made for each other. I’m glad you are already set in the toaster and housewares department. But if you are asking for cash in lieu of gifts then you are not actually paying for the wedding yourselves. See the logic? Why not take the next step and charge admission? Use the tiered seat system. The closest seats cost the most…

Okay enough of the sarcasm. It seems to me that you should have a potluck wedding. It would be pretty cheap to rent a space, most churches and synagogues and maybe even mosques have function rooms of some sort, and that way people can bring the food and drink or organize music or whatever. Your guest’s efforts can be their wedding present to you. With a little thought you can have quite the memorable shindig.

       —O.G.