Dear Old Guy welcomes letters on all subjects, including love, marriage, child rearing, even basic plumbing and medical advice. What he doesn’t know, he is happy to make up. After all, he’s just an opinionated Old Guy.

Dear Old Guy,
          I have been dating this girl for a few months and it’s been going well.  So, she was over for dinner last night and when I came out of the kitchen I caught her checking my phone texts and messages and stuff! She started insisting on knowing who Jodi and Debbie and Candy were and getting all mad even when I explained they were just friends from work. She didn’t believe me and we fought about it. To make a long story short she accused me of being unfaithful, left in a huff and now won’t answer my calls. What do you suggest I do?

                     Signed, Ruined Supper

Dear Ruined,

           Really? A Jodi and a Debbie and a Candy? Where do you work, a bordello? I wish the woman you were dating wrote instead of you…. Interesting that you don’t mention her name. I’ll bet it’s been hard for you to keep track. Anyway, I’ll call her Patsy. Patsy, if you are out there, I commend your instincts.  If ever you date a guy and after several months you haven’t heard the names of his female coworkers on at least one occasion you have every right to be suspicious.

Now, if ever you meet a guy like this again, drop his iPhone in the toilet and flush several times. That way, not only will he have the cost of a new phone, he will also have a huge plumber’s bill.  —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

I’m the mother of a 9-year-old. Last week she tried to steal $8 of milk money from her teacher. Well, she got caught, said she was sorry and had to write I will not steal in her notebook 100 times. This week when we went grocery shopping she took a candy bar, which I know about because I found the wrapper in the back seat when she got out. She didn’t deny taking it. I’m at my wits end. Is she doing this for attention? How do I get through to her?

                Signed Kiddie Parole Officer

Dear Kiddie,

           Are you kidding me? Of course she is doing it for attention. She keeps getting caught and then confessing. Trust me, any 9-year-old who wants to get away with something can plan heists better than this.

How do you get through to your 9-year-old? A slap on the bum? No. Figure out where you can give your kid what she wants. It isn’t money and it isn’t candy. Offering even small acknowledgements to positive behaviors adds up fast. Also look into any recent event that may have your child worried more than usual, divorce, death in the family, news of a sibling on the way… anything at all. —O.G.

Dear Old Guy,

I have an older brother, Marc who is 17. Last year, he moved out to live with his girlfriend and her family. My parents don’t know where he is and I am sworn to secrecy. Even before leaving home he was doing marijuana and other stuff, too. I know he doesn’t have a job and has been freeloading. Recently, he has been sneaking into this house and been stealing money from me and my parents. So far they don’t know about it but I can prove it because I caught him on my webcam. What can I do to stop Marc? 

                                                                             Signed, Concerned Sibling

Dear Sibling,

           Boy, do you have problems. The first is your brother. Understand, he has a habit that sucks ambition right out of you. The second problem is his girlfriend’s bum parents. They are enablers and are assisting in his lifestyle for whatever reason… there is never a good one.

Assuming your parents aren’t addicts themselves, tell them all you know. They need to convince the girlfriend’s parents to kick your brother out. There’s a good chance he has been stealing from them, too, and he’s now widening his circles. If he gets caught jail time will only reinforce the bad behavior.

Maybe try this: Find some way to lure your brother back to rob your house again. Then when his hand is in the proverbial cookie jar turn on the lights and have everyone yell surprise. If there is any part of your original brother left in his head he may just get the message. Oh, besides your parents, have as many of his former friends there as possible. My guess is that he’s left a few by the wayside. Good luck. —O.G.